March 18, 2014

Dear Diary,

A moment ago I was just thinking to myself. I had a random thought about styling my hair, and it made me think about sisters helping style each others' hair, then that made me think about how I don't remember if I ever helped mine do her hair. It bright back memories of her as a child as I tried to think of her hair and what it looked like. And I just got so sad thinking that she will never be that little girl again. She will never have that innocence, even though raising her was still a bit of a struggle back then.  We had no idea it could get  this bad.
 Last night the therapist recommended that when she's gone (either from being removed and placed in a therapeutic home, or when she turns 18 and is asked to leave) that we range grief counseling as a family. Because this is grief - we've lost a family member that we will never get back. Except it's so much worse because with each day the depth of this grief grows. The girl we thought she would grow up to be is gone, and the grief intensifies as we are reminded of that daily.
This is grief, and it hurts.
 A. Bender

March 17, 2014

Today I spoke with my parents' therapist. Today I tried to convince them my sister should no longer be living in my parents' home. I never thought I would be trying to convince someone to remove her from the family. I tried to explain everything that I think and feel, and I realized how hard it is to put it all into words.

There are no words to explain the desperate feeling of wanting someone you love to get the hell out of your life and the lives of other people you love. There are no words to explain the feeling of loving the little girl in those baby pictures but wondering if you are learning what it might feel like to hate the teenager that little girl has grown into. There are no words to explain the feeling of wondering if your sister will end up killing your parents, directly or indirectly.

There are no words for this.

A. Bender